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One year ago today Gary and I were heading home from L.A., neither of us sure we were going to make it. We had such a magical, yet stressful time in Los Angeles. Thinking about it now it seems like it was so long ago. When we arrived in Duluth we headed straight to SMDC and Gary started his month long stay. Has it really been a year?

Someone asked me about that trip today and it brought back so many memories. The show. The people we met – Gilles, Cheryl and their families. Tony Dovolani. John Chavez from ABC. The nurses and doctors at Cedars-Sinai.  Everyone was so nice to us.  For a long time this trip made Gary smile.  Even though he was so sick, this was a memory he cherished. I still do.  Of course I am still watching Dancing with the Stars, and I miss my dance partner.  Ben and I still cheer on Cheryl… and Gilles has been on the ABC show Brothers & Sisters. (another show that Gary and I enjoyed watching together.)  It may be silly but they will always have a special place in my heart for what they did for Gary and I.  I am still amazed that our co-workers and friends gave us that trip.

It has been 7 months since Gary died.  How can that be?  Time continues to go by but it feels like it was yesterday that Gary was here with us.  I talk to him and about him all the time.  Sometimes I wonder if people get tired of hearing me say, “Gary did this,” or “Gary liked this.” 

He is with me, in my heart… and that is what is important.  We talk about him to keep the memories alive.  And, talking about him makes us smile.

UPDATED:  Okay, so I have to share this one… Ben and I were putzing around the house yesterday, waiting to go pick up my niece, Raeanna.  At around 12:30 a fire truck came down our road andturned around.  Ben and I were out on the deck, andone of the fire fighters walked up the hill.  He said he was looking for a trail to take them to the grass fire.  (what grass fire?)  He pointed to the ridge on the East side of the house on the other side of the gully.  Sure enough there was smoke.  They said we should be fine, because the wind was blowing the other way.  As he said that, the winds shifted.  Still… we didn’t need to worry.  The two fire fighters headed up the steep hillside with their trusty brooms.  I continued dusting the living room.  Ben was blowing bubbles on the deck.  About a half hour later Ben says, “Mom, you have to come and see this.”  Yep.  Black smoke, and flames through the trees.  Okay.  Time for us to leave. 

I grabbed a box and threw in our wedding album, Ben’s baby pictures and other pictures of us and the kids, some paper work, and video tapes of the wedding.  Ben grabbed his stuffed dog Check, his NCIS hat and jacket, and 3 pieces of chocolate.  We hauled that stuff down, and I made a couple more trips, grabbing the poster boards I made for the funeral, and Gary’s ashes.  (plus some odd stuff like a pair of Gary’s pj’s, his watch and Ben’s toothbrush.)  I kept looking up, and could still see the flames.  2 DNR vehicles came but waited to be called up.  Ben and I left the house but hung out on Highway 23 to see what might happen.  Our friend Tom called before I left to make sure we were alright. He had been listening to the scanner.  I guess the old water tower at the top of the hill was engulfed, and some grass and trees were on fire.  One of the DNR guys said it wasn’t a big deal… being that our house was close by, I beg to differ.   They were able to put it out, and when I came back to the house at 6pm all was quiet.  What excitement for a relaxing Saturday.  It makes me chuckle to think of the stuff I grabbed.  This morning I looked up at the tall pine trees and gave thanks. 

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It is hard to believe we are half way through March.  Two whole seasons have almost past since Gary died.  Sometimes it feels like he is going to walk around the corner.  I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me that Samantha Harris wouldn’t be on Dancing With the Stars this season.  I found myself almost calling out to Gary in the kitchen, to tell him the news.  The urge was so strong.  That has happened before, but this time it felt so right.  We have been having trouble with the Internet.  I am crossing my fingers that I will not get knocked off tonight.  I know it is something that Gary could have fixed in no time.  Not me.

So, what’s been happening in the Holt household over these last few months? Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Catching up

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I have started and stopped this posting at least 5 times. This blog has been a tremendous tool for Gary and I, and it helped us tell our story about dealing with pancreatic cancer.  It’s funny, I want to share things but my thoughts seem so personal. So many things have changed.  I will try again another night.

I actually started an entry back on Dec. 20th, but I didn’t get very far.  It has been difficult to focus on things. I am sure it isn’t a big surprise that I struggled through the festive parts of the Christmas season.  The question may be, do you celebrate?  Some people may think that it’s wrong, because we are mourning;  but I asked Ben if he wanted to put Christmas lights up outside.  He did, and he and I put lights on the areas that Gary use to do first.  The roof of the garage, and on Ben’s swing/tower.   Even though I was sad, I thought it was more important for Ben to have as “normal” of a holiday as he could without his dad.  Each person handles their grief differently, and yes there were moments that I just wanted to crawl back in bed and not get up until it was all over.  It is unbelievable how something little can start the tears falling… I had trouble when one of Gary’s catalogs would come… especially Cabella’s (and there are a lot of those.)  I had trouble making decisions. Luckily family and friends understood, and were there to make suggestions or make the plans. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Christmas. A New Year. 3 months.

Going to the Wisconsin Dells turned out to be bitter sweet, but also a good thing.  With my last post, I was almost looking forward to it.  As the day got closer, I wavered.  Stress. Sadness. Anxiety.  I wasn’t sure what to do. Being with Gary’s family could be a good thing, but I was struggling and I didn’t want to ruin their Thanksgiving with my sadness.  I wanted to see everyone, and Ben really wanted to go.  My mother-in-law told me not to worry, and that we should come.  I am glad that we did.  I found the drive to be very relaxing.  5 hours was a lot for Ben – especially going there.  He must have asked me 100 times “Are we there yet?” “How many more miles mommy?”  But it turned out alright. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Giving Thanks

Time has continued… work continues…
Last weekend Ben and I joined the rest of my family in Hill City for our annual hunting weekend. It was a tough weekend for me, but Ben really wanted to go. He got to spend time with his cousins. Gary loved hunting. We had discussed my going out with him this year. I would not be able to shoot anything, but it would have been nice to spend that time together.  It also would have been fun practicing our sign language in the deer stand.  I had told Gary that I didn’t own any blaze orange, and he said he would get me any thing I needed.  I wish we had that opportunity.  The weather was decent this past weekend, although very cold on Sunday morning.  I half expected Gary to walk in the door when the hunters came back for lunch.  Either way, he was with me.

Jon and Steven went hunting with my brother Jim the weekend before.  It sounds like they had a good time, and they both got deer.  It was tough for me not to call and find out how things were going.  I didn’t want to be the worrisome step-mom.  I don’t think I stopped thinking about them all weekend.

Thanksgiving is next week. My favorite holiday.  Gary and I planned on going to the Wisconsin Dells again this year to be with Gary’s side of the family.  His folks, Grandmother and many other relatives get together each year.  It’s hard to believe that he was doing well last year at this time.  No tubes in his belly.  He even went down a couple of the water slides.  I have good memories from that trip.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to be able to do this year.  It will be tough either way.  Weather permitting, I am planning on driving to the Dells.  It will be nice to see Gary’s Grandmother and Great Aunt Edna.  Maybe being with everyone will be helpful.  For now it seems that we are living from weekend to weekend… getting through each day and coming home and spending time together.

It has now been a month since Gary died. I thought of him all day long yesterday. I wonder if there are milestones to pass when grieving? If a month is one of those milestones… it isn’t getting any easier. In fact it seems to be harder.

Maybe it’s because this past week and a half has been filled with memories of Gary.  Tuesday was election night, a big event for the station and one that Gary and I usually worked on together.  Of course we had our technical problems, and I know if Gary had been there they would have been solved without much effort.  Scott Salveson (Gary’s close friend) came by the station to help.  I find it difficult to be by Gary’s old desk, so I had been staying away… but because of elections, I spent quite a bit of time there, or looking over notes that Gary wrote.  From a viewer standpoint and a vote total standpoint, election night was a success.  For me, not so much.  I missed having Gary there. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: One Month

Today is Gary’s 48th birthday.  Happy birthday honey!  I have been trying to submit a post on this blog since the funeral, but it is very difficult finding the words.  Someone asked me yesterday if my days were getting any better.  I had to think about that question… for me, the days aren’t getting better… but there are some “better” moments in each day.  I will admit that having Benjamin, gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning. 

There are a lot of questions that I do not know the answer to… there are so many things that need to be done, it’s difficult knowing where to start.  I tend to focus on the smaller things, and one question I have is what to do with this blog.  I have not figured out the answer to that yet, but I wanted to make at least one more entry.   I am not sure if anyone is still following.

I’ve been keeping a close watch on the calendar.  On Oct. 21st, it had been a month since I brought Gary home from the hospital, and  we stopped chemotherapy.  Looking back on that day, I know that neither of us thought things were going to move so quickly.  Boy do I miss him. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Where to Go from Here

We will be celebrating Gary’s life on Saturday, October 10th at 3pm at the First Memorial Funeral Chapel, Cremation Society, 4100 Grand Ave. Duluth.  A visitation/get together will begin at 2pm.  Service begins at 3pm.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments on this blog, the phone calls, visits and letters. Obviously this continues to be a difficult time for all who knew Gary – I keep reminding myself how lucky we were to have him for an additional 2 years… when many people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer aren’t given that “extra” time to enjoy life.  And enjoy life Gary did!  I am so proud of him.

Gary passed away at 6:50 tonight (Sunday.)

I knew he had been declining all day, but it still took me by surprise. I had stayed close to him, asking him not to go anywhere if I needed to get up and leave the room. His mom, my parents and brother Jim and sister-in-law Jill were here and Jon stopped by to sit with his dad. We had a nice afternoon. Gary’s mom had just left, and my sister-in-law Jan had just arrived.   We were all talking, Gary’s hand was on my knee.  Jan walked over to check his pulse and I saw her face.  A few breathes after that, Gary was gone.  It was peaceful.

My parents, Jan and brother Steve are with Ben and I tonight. Again, I thank everyone for their comments and prayers – Gary and I have truly enjoyed reading the blog together.  I will keep you posted on details.