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Hello! I wanted to write a quick message to all who donated to our (last minute) Relay for Life team. I appreciate your generosity and well wishes. With your help, Holt’s Heroes raised $1,900!!  With the help of you, friends and co-workers at work, family, especially my mom… we blew our goal out of the water. Gary would be pleased.

Ben and I drove up to Ely in the afternoon on Friday, Aug. 12. My sister-in-law Jan and niece Raeanna came with. We met my parents at the park, and helped with last minute setup.  It had rained hard for about an hour prior to our arrival and most of the luminaries were soaked. The luminaries added after the rain, ended up having wet dirt put in them. Even though they were drenched, all were able to be lit at dusk. Most stayed standing throughout the night. It was a beautiful sight.

We had a good time that night. So many people stopped by our “tent” to say hello and see how Ben and I were doing. Their concern is comforting. I will admit I had rough moments. Even thinking about it now, I tear up. One difficult moment was when my mom was addressing the survivors. I got a little mad that Gary was not sitting out there with them like he was 2 years ago. My mom got chocked up again when she had to introduce our team. I had to chuckle at that, and Ben joined me when the captains names were called.

Luckily the rain stayed away, and we were able to walk. Friends Tom and Mary Gavitt drove to Ely to help our team.  We brought Ben’s little tent and he set that up. Ben wanted to stay overnight so bad. He made it until 2:30 AM. Then it was time to leave, he was exhausted and wouldn’t be able to wind down if we stayed. 

The Relay was different for me this year. I missed Gary, and having the kids with us. It was a success though and I am glad that we played a part in that. The small communities of Ely, Babbitt and Tower have raised over $74,000 and money is still coming in.  That is something to be proud of. Gary would be proud of that…

We created a team. To honor him.  Again, Ben and I thank you for your donation to the American Cancer Society.

Hello all. Sorry for the late notice, but I thought I would get a quick post on Gary’s blog to let you know what we are doing. On Tuesday, August 9 Ben decided that we were going to form a Relay for Life team for the Cancer relay in Ely.

Two years ago, our family had a great time at the Relay. Gary enjoyed himself so much that he even began thinking of ways to raise more money for the next one. He was thinking of all kinds of ideas. The kids came to this one, and I think they had a great time walking the paths of luminaries without “us” constantly by their side. My brother Jim and his family, my parents, Braeden, and Raeanna were on our team, and friends Tom & Mary, Lori and Tami all came and took a couple of walks around the park. I was surprised at how fast time went, and it was really something looking at all the luminaries. I was able to find all the ones that we made, and the ones my co-workers made as well.

Let’s just say that time slipped away from me, and I got too emotional. We weren’t having a team. Now, because of Ben…. we are. I let him name our team. He chose “Holt’s Heroes”

There is no pressure, but if you would like to make a pledge, I have set up a website with the American Cancer Society. http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11MW?team_id=987100&pg=team&fr_id=30154

If you would like to donate, but not online… just shoot me an email and we can get it figured out.  My friends at work have donated, so Ben and I are on our way of meeting our goal of $500.

I know we would be doing this if Gary were here… he believed in the cause.  So – we have a team.  I will write more another time. Thank you!

Here I am. I am not sure if anyone has been checking Gary’s blog, obviously it has been awhile since I have added to it. I have wanted to, but have struggled to do so. Then I noticed that I no longer had access. You can imagine my sadness at the thought that I lost these great words from Gary. As it turned out, Gary’s account expired. Scott Salveson did some searching for me, and then Dave Klein was able to get the site back up and running again. I can’t thank them enough. I still don’t understand it - but at least I have his words back – for a little while at least.

I often think how I wish Gary had written me notes about things. If he could have just written everything down for me. Codes, passwords, notes, plans… I know. If he had done that, he would have been writting all the time and we wouldn’t have been able to spend as much time together. He had so much in his head! Wouldn’t it have been great if he had put little sticky notes on everything so I would know at least what they are?

I started this post in May, and here it is the end of July. The days have been going by so fast. Ben and I continue to take each day, one at a time. I am not always sure that we are succeeding in whatever we are supposed to be going through, but we keep going anyway. I have wanted to post a number of times, and I have a lot of things floating around in my head right now. Trouble is, I am not sure they will make sense to you. So for now, I will settle with actually publishing this entry, to touch base again.  I will try and write again another day.

Today would be Gary’s 49th birthday. I have thought about him all day. I spent a long day at work… working on elections. I guess that is fitting seeing that Gary and I used to work on it together. It was nice having someone to complain to back then. I smile now, when I think of Gary saying “I hate election night!”

Ben and I went to the Buffalo House for a late birthday dinner. Gary and I would go to this restaurant all the time.  The food is delicious.  The sandwiches huge, and we would bring home half to have at lunch the next day.  So Ben and I went, and I ate one of the sandwiches Gary would order.  We toasted Gary with a root beer and a beer, then had a piece of apple pie for a special treat.  I had wanted to bake a German Chocolate cake (Gary’s favorite) but I got home too late.  When we got home, we watched an episode of NCIS.  Perfect ending to the day.  Aunt Pat called tonight, it was nice talking with her.

It has been a difficult past few weeks, with our anniversary, the anniversary of Gary’s death and the Memorial service. Now his birthday.  So many emotions.  The Memorial Service was nice.  They read the names of all the people in Hospice who died this past year.  It was humbling to see page after page of alphabetical names.  Then they showed pictures.  I was doing fine, until I saw Gary’s photo.  Wow.  Seeing him up there, brought it all to the forefront.  He would have been surprised at how many people came to honor him.  Gary’s parents were there, along with my mom and dad, Steve, Jan and kids, Ben and I and Scott Salveson.  It was so nice to see Scott.  Then after the service we saw Jon, Deborah and Steven.  I was so happy to see them.  Ben was beside himself!  I am so glad they were able to come.  Gary was smiling.

So Duluth had it’s first snowfall of the season today.  I am not ready for winter – but Ben told me tonight that pretty soon we can go skiing.  Something to look forward to, I guess.   Right now, I look forward to going to bed.  Another long day tomorrow.

Happy birthday Gary.  I love you.

So, it has been a year. I am not sure how that can be. It still is so fresh on my mind and in my heart. I have measured this year by watching the months go by. Paying particular attention to the 4th of every month, and to the full moon. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think or talk about Gary, however at the full moon, I look to the sky and say a special prayer. There are so many reminders of Gary in every day.

I think back to last fall, and then to winter. Surprised that I made it through the change of seasons. Then spring blended into summer. It makes you realize that time does not stop.

All things considered, we are okay, Ben and I. Taking one day at a time. With the love of our family and friends, we have even been able to create new memories. When Gary died, I told many of you that we would have to take things one day at a time. That I would take care of Ben, and Ben would take care of me. I can honestly say, that’s happening in the Holt house.
This 7-year-old boy is amazing. He has already experienced feelings and sadness beyond words. His ability to read my thoughts, to know my feelings is remarkable. Don’t get me wrong, he obviously does not pick up on my “anger” when I have asked him to rinse off his dishes, pick up his clothes or take a shower, but this child knows when I am sad. He knows when I need him to make me smile.

I think about the kids a lot.  I hope they remember how much their dad loved them… how much Ben and I love them.

It was Gary’s and my 10th anniversary on Thursday. I had been on jury duty for the past week and a half, and thought Ben and I would go out to eat that night. My parents called, and they said they wanted to come down and celebrate with us. We went to Blackwoods in Proctor – the place where Gary and I had our first date. My brother and his family joined us and we had a very nice evening. When Gary and I went there, that first time… we both ordered pasta. He loved their Pasta Luca Brasi. When we were leaving, we had our to-go containers and Gary walked over to open up the car door for me. As I got in the car, he handed me the containers and one of them fell to the floor… all over my shoe. It was his leftovers. I felt bad for his car and he felt bad for my shoe. We laughed.

We do not have internet at the house right now – long story – so I type this on Gary’s computer, hoping to bring it to work and then publish it on the blog. I know I haven’t been writing. It’s hard to find the words. Some things you just want to keep near your heart. Again I thank everyone who has read this blog. Who has supported Gary and our family.

I think, if there was one thing I could ask of each of you, it would be… to think about Gary today. Think about something funny he said or did. Then smile. He would like that.

One year ago today Gary and I were heading home from L.A., neither of us sure we were going to make it. We had such a magical, yet stressful time in Los Angeles. Thinking about it now it seems like it was so long ago. When we arrived in Duluth we headed straight to SMDC and Gary started his month long stay. Has it really been a year?

Someone asked me about that trip today and it brought back so many memories. The show. The people we met – Gilles, Cheryl and their families. Tony Dovolani. John Chavez from ABC. The nurses and doctors at Cedars-Sinai.  Everyone was so nice to us.  For a long time this trip made Gary smile.  Even though he was so sick, this was a memory he cherished. I still do.  Of course I am still watching Dancing with the Stars, and I miss my dance partner.  Ben and I still cheer on Cheryl… and Gilles has been on the ABC show Brothers & Sisters. (another show that Gary and I enjoyed watching together.)  It may be silly but they will always have a special place in my heart for what they did for Gary and I.  I am still amazed that our co-workers and friends gave us that trip.

It has been 7 months since Gary died.  How can that be?  Time continues to go by but it feels like it was yesterday that Gary was here with us.  I talk to him and about him all the time.  Sometimes I wonder if people get tired of hearing me say, “Gary did this,” or “Gary liked this.” 

He is with me, in my heart… and that is what is important.  We talk about him to keep the memories alive.  And, talking about him makes us smile.

UPDATED:  Okay, so I have to share this one… Ben and I were putzing around the house yesterday, waiting to go pick up my niece, Raeanna.  At around 12:30 a fire truck came down our road andturned around.  Ben and I were out on the deck, andone of the fire fighters walked up the hill.  He said he was looking for a trail to take them to the grass fire.  (what grass fire?)  He pointed to the ridge on the East side of the house on the other side of the gully.  Sure enough there was smoke.  They said we should be fine, because the wind was blowing the other way.  As he said that, the winds shifted.  Still… we didn’t need to worry.  The two fire fighters headed up the steep hillside with their trusty brooms.  I continued dusting the living room.  Ben was blowing bubbles on the deck.  About a half hour later Ben says, “Mom, you have to come and see this.”  Yep.  Black smoke, and flames through the trees.  Okay.  Time for us to leave. 

I grabbed a box and threw in our wedding album, Ben’s baby pictures and other pictures of us and the kids, some paper work, and video tapes of the wedding.  Ben grabbed his stuffed dog Check, his NCIS hat and jacket, and 3 pieces of chocolate.  We hauled that stuff down, and I made a couple more trips, grabbing the poster boards I made for the funeral, and Gary’s ashes.  (plus some odd stuff like a pair of Gary’s pj’s, his watch and Ben’s toothbrush.)  I kept looking up, and could still see the flames.  2 DNR vehicles came but waited to be called up.  Ben and I left the house but hung out on Highway 23 to see what might happen.  Our friend Tom called before I left to make sure we were alright. He had been listening to the scanner.  I guess the old water tower at the top of the hill was engulfed, and some grass and trees were on fire.  One of the DNR guys said it wasn’t a big deal… being that our house was close by, I beg to differ.   They were able to put it out, and when I came back to the house at 6pm all was quiet.  What excitement for a relaxing Saturday.  It makes me chuckle to think of the stuff I grabbed.  This morning I looked up at the tall pine trees and gave thanks. 

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It is hard to believe we are half way through March.  Two whole seasons have almost past since Gary died.  Sometimes it feels like he is going to walk around the corner.  I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me that Samantha Harris wouldn’t be on Dancing With the Stars this season.  I found myself almost calling out to Gary in the kitchen, to tell him the news.  The urge was so strong.  That has happened before, but this time it felt so right.  We have been having trouble with the Internet.  I am crossing my fingers that I will not get knocked off tonight.  I know it is something that Gary could have fixed in no time.  Not me.

So, what’s been happening in the Holt household over these last few months? Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Catching up

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I have started and stopped this posting at least 5 times. This blog has been a tremendous tool for Gary and I, and it helped us tell our story about dealing with pancreatic cancer.  It’s funny, I want to share things but my thoughts seem so personal. So many things have changed.  I will try again another night.

I actually started an entry back on Dec. 20th, but I didn’t get very far.  It has been difficult to focus on things. I am sure it isn’t a big surprise that I struggled through the festive parts of the Christmas season.  The question may be, do you celebrate?  Some people may think that it’s wrong, because we are mourning;  but I asked Ben if he wanted to put Christmas lights up outside.  He did, and he and I put lights on the areas that Gary use to do first.  The roof of the garage, and on Ben’s swing/tower.   Even though I was sad, I thought it was more important for Ben to have as “normal” of a holiday as he could without his dad.  Each person handles their grief differently, and yes there were moments that I just wanted to crawl back in bed and not get up until it was all over.  It is unbelievable how something little can start the tears falling… I had trouble when one of Gary’s catalogs would come… especially Cabella’s (and there are a lot of those.)  I had trouble making decisions. Luckily family and friends understood, and were there to make suggestions or make the plans. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Christmas. A New Year. 3 months.

Going to the Wisconsin Dells turned out to be bitter sweet, but also a good thing.  With my last post, I was almost looking forward to it.  As the day got closer, I wavered.  Stress. Sadness. Anxiety.  I wasn’t sure what to do. Being with Gary’s family could be a good thing, but I was struggling and I didn’t want to ruin their Thanksgiving with my sadness.  I wanted to see everyone, and Ben really wanted to go.  My mother-in-law told me not to worry, and that we should come.  I am glad that we did.  I found the drive to be very relaxing.  5 hours was a lot for Ben – especially going there.  He must have asked me 100 times “Are we there yet?” “How many more miles mommy?”  But it turned out alright. Continue reading Through a Wife’s Eyes: Giving Thanks